I have some painful memories of my elementary years, most of them on the playground. I fell off the top of the monkey bars once and had a prize-winning goose egg on my head as a result. The bullies all came out during recess, and I got bitten on the ear more than once in the 3rd grade by someone known for that. And I had my share of scrapes and scabs falling on the concrete as I was jumping rope, chasing boys, or playing some type of game. One of my least favorite things to do was seesaw--it was okay as long as I had a friend who was equal to me in weight and enthusiasm for seesaw-ing. But I sometimes got someone who thought it was cute to seesaw for a while, and then when I was distracted up in the air, they decided to get off. Since that has probably happened to a lot of you, you know what happened--once the other person got off I was sent hurtling to the ground for a hard thud that was both painful and embarrassing. Even when I had kids and tried to seesaw with them from time to time, I always put my legs way out from underneath me...just in case they decided to bail on me.
I use that illustration because that's how I feel emotionally today. I am sitting in the chemo chair at Vanderbilt sorting through my feelings from the doctor's report. We've had nothing but positive news the last couple of months--the tumors were shrinking 50-70%, my "numbers" were good, and it looked like my liver was responding to the treatment. After my CT scan yesterday and my blood work today, it now appears that all of that improvement was due to the first chemo treatment I had in December, which was different from all the ones I have taken since then. My liver tumors are growing again, and apparently not responding. Or, it could be that the shrinkage was due to cancer cells in the tumors that responded to the treatment, but some of the more aggressive cancer cells didn't respond and are therefore growing aggressively to cause the tumor growth. I sort of knew something was up last weekend when my upper abdomen (where my liver is located) started getting hard and swelling. So even though my numbers are so much better than they were, and my liver is actually functioning on its own, we had another discussion today about lengthening my life and the quality of my life.
I think my doctor was actually going to let me have a break for a month, but once he saw the CT scan results, he wasn't open to me skipping both this treatment AND the one right before spring break. Our family usually goes to Florida for spring break and he has encouraged this--and he encouraged it even more so today as something I need to do now for my family. Suffice it to say when he left the room, I sort of burst into tears--I wanted so badly for there to be even better results from the CT scan and to have a break from the chemo. It doesn't look like that is ever going to happen until we find out the tumors no longer respond to any treatment (even possibly clinical trials)...in which case it will all be about making me comfortable so I can have some quality of life left.
So that's where I find myself today--feeling like I am on the ground because somebody jumped off. I've had my safety and security challenged again, and the comfort I had gained from the good news of a few weeks ago shattered in the dust. I haven't abandoned hope, and I certainly haven't given up on God and what I believe He has shown me, but I am more than a little bit discouraged right now...
Since we have always been honest and quite raw with our feelings on this blog, I will continue to be. And I would be lying if I said I am all upbeat about this news today. I was already battling discouragement and depression in the last week--watching my family struggle with and dealing with my sickness has been hard for me. I've wanted to fix it for them so badly, but I can't. I am tired of hanging on to God in faith through this, all the while hearing steady doses of stiff reality about my condition. I am weary of straddling the fence of hope and hopelessness. And I get tired of propping myself up, having a good attitude, and smiling my way through this disease. Living versus dying--some days I just want to crawl in a hole, forget all this treatment, and go Home to the One Who has allowed this to come into our lives.
I never knew when I agreed to play "seesaw" that some of the "downs" were going to end up the way they have. And I never dreamed I would be dealing with this condition at the young age of 47. God has shown me in the last few days that my life "is a vapor" and that I should be a willing and "living sacrifice." Whatever that means in my life, God knows He has my attention, my love and my devotion. Regardless of what happens on this emotional seesaw, I still willingly submit myself to God's way in my life.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Hanging On vs. Letting Go
[Before I begin this blog, I apologize for being so silent the last 2-3 weeks. I have started several new blog posts on pieces of paper, but they never made their way to the computer. Not feeling well, busyness, competing for quiet in the bonus room and a painfully slow computer have all contributed to this. Hopefully I'm back with more regularity now--and for the many of you who have requested a new blog posting...thank you for encouraging us to keep writing.]
Well, last weekend I finally did it. I had not wanted to cut off my hair or shave my head since this whole ordeal started. I really don't know why, except I had heard a couple of horror stories about women shaving their heads, having a rash from that, and their wigs irritating their scalps to the point of pain. Another reason I kept hanging onto the hair I had left was that most of what I had left was in the back, and I could wear a ball cap without looking "bald." But it had gotten to the point that I didn't have enough to look okay in a ball cap. And I was down to two little scrawny sections on each side of my head and a little tiny bit in the back. But I got tired of it continuing to fall out and the routine of cleaning off my pillow case each morning. So...it was time to cut it all off. I don't really know why I kept hanging onto it because it certainly wasn't much to look at.
Tim and I went outside armed with the clippers I use to cut his and Reed's hair from time to time. We decided to cut the remaining sections off to 1 inch all over (to avoid the razor rash). I'm glad Tim did it, although I still felt humiliated and naked to have those clippers run over my head. Unlike a lot of women I have talked to dealing with cancer, I still didn't feel free and liberated. I felt insecure and embarrassed. Tim let me cry and held me as he has learned to do so often during this difficulty. Then I went inside and took a good look at myself.
After I got over the initial look, I realized I actually looked better. Rather than looking like a holocaust victim unintentionally I looked like a bald-headed woman intentionally. And, on closer inspection since the mess in the front was gone, I noticed that I actually had some new hair growing in. I also noticed I have a section that sticks straight up in the front--probably due to some type of cow-lick or something. And, for a bald head, it's not too bad looking--I don't have any disturbing bumps or marks or discolorations. I probably never would have seen that if that old wasn't cut away. I really don't know why I waited so long to do it--but sometimes I have a hard time letting go.
Hanging on vs. letting go -- it's a continual lesson God has been teaching me. Having cancer has been a reminder of this lesson. I can hang on to my contending with God as to why He would allow something like this to happen to me--or I can submit to this difficulty and let go of my need to question Him and His ways, trusting Him in the process that He is completely and totally in control. It is a lesson God and I have revisited numerous times, and it is one I am very familiar with. Some passages that have meant a great deal to me lately are found in 2 Corinthians 1 and 4...
Well, last weekend I finally did it. I had not wanted to cut off my hair or shave my head since this whole ordeal started. I really don't know why, except I had heard a couple of horror stories about women shaving their heads, having a rash from that, and their wigs irritating their scalps to the point of pain. Another reason I kept hanging onto the hair I had left was that most of what I had left was in the back, and I could wear a ball cap without looking "bald." But it had gotten to the point that I didn't have enough to look okay in a ball cap. And I was down to two little scrawny sections on each side of my head and a little tiny bit in the back. But I got tired of it continuing to fall out and the routine of cleaning off my pillow case each morning. So...it was time to cut it all off. I don't really know why I kept hanging onto it because it certainly wasn't much to look at.
Tim and I went outside armed with the clippers I use to cut his and Reed's hair from time to time. We decided to cut the remaining sections off to 1 inch all over (to avoid the razor rash). I'm glad Tim did it, although I still felt humiliated and naked to have those clippers run over my head. Unlike a lot of women I have talked to dealing with cancer, I still didn't feel free and liberated. I felt insecure and embarrassed. Tim let me cry and held me as he has learned to do so often during this difficulty. Then I went inside and took a good look at myself.
After I got over the initial look, I realized I actually looked better. Rather than looking like a holocaust victim unintentionally I looked like a bald-headed woman intentionally. And, on closer inspection since the mess in the front was gone, I noticed that I actually had some new hair growing in. I also noticed I have a section that sticks straight up in the front--probably due to some type of cow-lick or something. And, for a bald head, it's not too bad looking--I don't have any disturbing bumps or marks or discolorations. I probably never would have seen that if that old wasn't cut away. I really don't know why I waited so long to do it--but sometimes I have a hard time letting go.
Hanging on vs. letting go -- it's a continual lesson God has been teaching me. Having cancer has been a reminder of this lesson. I can hang on to my contending with God as to why He would allow something like this to happen to me--or I can submit to this difficulty and let go of my need to question Him and His ways, trusting Him in the process that He is completely and totally in control. It is a lesson God and I have revisited numerous times, and it is one I am very familiar with. Some passages that have meant a great deal to me lately are found in 2 Corinthians 1 and 4...
... "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ...
who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to
comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we
ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are [mine]
in abundance, so also [my] comfort is abundant through Christ...
Therefore [I] do not lose heart, but though [my] outer man is decaying,
yet [my] inner man is being renewed day by day.
For momentary, light affliction is producing for [me]
an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while
[I] look not at the things which are seen,
but at the things which are not seen..."
These passages have encouraged me so much because I am reminded that while I am waiting for God's healing of my body, the cancer difficulty has been serving at least two purposes (from these texts--there are definitely more). First, I am experiencing God's comfort with which and through which I can comfort others dealing with any affliction. And secondly, it is producing glory while I am looking at the things which are not seen. Ministry and glory--as long as I let go of my rights and my will, and choose His best for me instead. Whether I like it or not, things have changed in my life and for our family. Cancer hanging over your head has a tendency to do that. And I can fight and contend against God all I want about this "momentary affliction", but He has allowed this in my life for His purposes. And I've learned I might as well let go and let Him do everything He wants to do in my life through this, because to fight Him is just going to extend the trial.
Just like me hanging on to my little pitiful scrawny hair, we can sometimes hang onto the most pointless things, all the while missing out on something new or interesting. What would await us if we learned the discipline of letting go?
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The View From Here
Lane Ann and I had and interesting conversation a few days ago. It was one of those heart to heart talks which took place in one of our favorite places - on the hearth next to the soothing warmth of a cozy fire. I started the communication by trying to explain my constant struggle concerning this ordeal with cancer. "The incessant gnawing of not knowing the outcome of all this is taking its toll on me. I don't know how to settle into any certain line of thinking. It is a constant yo-yo between life and death, hope and despair, joy and pain, fear and stability. It's like climbing a huge mountain while everyone is watching to see how well you traverse each crevice, take unthinkable jumps, and tenaciously muscle each fingerhold. Ahhh, the face of the clift - so daring, challenging, and heroic...but deadly. One slip and you're gone. That's how I feel, Lane Ann. I think I have been experiencing a slow grieving process way down deep every since this started almost five months ago. Some days, the grief just spills out in waves and other times I may go for four or five days and do just fine. I can't seem to get a handle on it. I have slipped into an emotional and mental abyss. The clouds have taken away my view and I can no longer breathe. "
"Tim, I know how you feel. But we can't vascillate constantly between life and death. Otherwise, I will lose hope. Some days it is hard enough just to get out of bed. The four things that keep me going are hoping I will be healed, other opportunities to serve God, loving you and the kids, and the things we create for me to look forward to."
After we talked for an hour or so, we came to the consensus we would not look ahead to tomorrow. We decided to wake up each day to live. And that we would live with joy for each new day. If we must face more disease and even death, we would do it when the time comes and not until. We would climb this mountain together as a team. Love for God, one another, and life itself would be our lifelines. And we must stay in constant honest communication. That day we helpled one another climb up a steep incline that has enabled our view to be much better than before. It has made all the difference in our climb together. We are helping one another breathe once again. The view is clear now.
Yesterday, Lane Ann had another chemo treatment and the indicators the doctor uses to determine the effectiveness of the treatment were very good. In its simplist form, one of her important numbers was 168 in November - which is very bad. That same indicator was 32 yesterday - which is very very good. We were very ecouraged that her tumors do not appear from these indicators to be growing or spreading much at all at this point. We will have another CT scan in four weeks which will show much more clearly what is actually taking place in terms of the effectiveness of the treatment. According to our doctor, at this point, it doesn't appear we will ever be able to completely stop the chemo treatment except for maybe short periods. The reason being, this type of cancer has the tendency to get knocked down only to come back with a vengeance. Sometimes it will respond to secondary treatment and sometimes it will not. However, we are very pleased with the results thus far and are believing God for complete healing. Even if He doesn't we choose to love and trust Him with this.
Our view has surely improved thanks to prayer, communication, and a loving Father. We want to climb this mountain in such a way that it baffles even the most hardened cynic. Our God is real and He alone is holding the rope. We trust His grip and we choose to live each day as if it were our last. That's how life was meant to be lived. Each moment is a gift. We let life get in the way of living. Someone once said,
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away." What a view...
"Tim, I know how you feel. But we can't vascillate constantly between life and death. Otherwise, I will lose hope. Some days it is hard enough just to get out of bed. The four things that keep me going are hoping I will be healed, other opportunities to serve God, loving you and the kids, and the things we create for me to look forward to."
After we talked for an hour or so, we came to the consensus we would not look ahead to tomorrow. We decided to wake up each day to live. And that we would live with joy for each new day. If we must face more disease and even death, we would do it when the time comes and not until. We would climb this mountain together as a team. Love for God, one another, and life itself would be our lifelines. And we must stay in constant honest communication. That day we helpled one another climb up a steep incline that has enabled our view to be much better than before. It has made all the difference in our climb together. We are helping one another breathe once again. The view is clear now.
Yesterday, Lane Ann had another chemo treatment and the indicators the doctor uses to determine the effectiveness of the treatment were very good. In its simplist form, one of her important numbers was 168 in November - which is very bad. That same indicator was 32 yesterday - which is very very good. We were very ecouraged that her tumors do not appear from these indicators to be growing or spreading much at all at this point. We will have another CT scan in four weeks which will show much more clearly what is actually taking place in terms of the effectiveness of the treatment. According to our doctor, at this point, it doesn't appear we will ever be able to completely stop the chemo treatment except for maybe short periods. The reason being, this type of cancer has the tendency to get knocked down only to come back with a vengeance. Sometimes it will respond to secondary treatment and sometimes it will not. However, we are very pleased with the results thus far and are believing God for complete healing. Even if He doesn't we choose to love and trust Him with this.
Our view has surely improved thanks to prayer, communication, and a loving Father. We want to climb this mountain in such a way that it baffles even the most hardened cynic. Our God is real and He alone is holding the rope. We trust His grip and we choose to live each day as if it were our last. That's how life was meant to be lived. Each moment is a gift. We let life get in the way of living. Someone once said,
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away." What a view...
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
For Men Only
We decided to postphone Lane Ann's chemo for a week. Therefore, we are having some pretty quality time together. Usually, she feels "decent" about two days before we start the process all over again. I asked her yesterday to rate how "good" she was feeling and she indicated on a "normal" person's scale from one to ten, she was about a five. That's about as good as it gets. But on her personal scale (a sick person) she was about a seven or eight. That is really good. However, it also shows how good she is at hiding how she really feels. At any rate, we praise God for low pain levels and enough health to walk around, go a few places, and enjoy our family. We continue to covet your prayers.
Other than the blog reporting the good news of tumor shrinkage, by far, the blog receiving the most response was the one titled "Transparency". Therefore, I have come to realize (as several men have pulled me over to the side to discuss how that blog has helped them in their sexual intimacy with their wife) this is a major issue facing most couples. It is amazing to me how teens today think they are the only ones with all the knowledge and know-how when it comes to sex. Their ignorance is also quite comical since much of the information they receive about this issue is passed on by adults via the media---duh! Why they think we cannot enjoy this gift of God to adults is beyond me.
This blog is really for men only who want to become real men. There are many things that teach us how to feel like a real man, but most of them are shallow and unrealistic. They are lies. Yet, it is amazing how many men never learn they have been seduced by the wrong teacher. Consequently, most of their sexual life is spent in utter frustration. Maybe the problem is not with our wife. Having said that, every women presently reading this will certainly continue reading. :)
It is hard to believe my precious bride has lost five dress sizes in the last four months. She looks completely different that she ever has and yet I love her more every day. The Lord has taught me much concerning intimacy in marriage. And while I still would not classify myself as an expert, I am a much better lover than ever before. Why? Because now I can see beyond the things that make it so difficult for men to love their wives. The intimacy to which I am referring has nothing to do with sex.
I have discovered this issue to be extremely important to both men and women. Due to my counseling background, I have heard more than one woman declare concerning her relationship to her husband, "I don't care if we ever have sex again!" I wonder how many women secretly roll their eyes at the thought? I wonder how many marriage partners are mutually ecstatically happy with their sex life? If the truth were known, I'll bet there aren't many. Have you ever asked why? Surely God created this expression to be the most mutually satisfying experience of our relationship - two becoming one. Pretty awesome huh? Not for most.
I have come to believe we get derailed very early, usually in our teen years. The more sexually active you are during the teen years and throughout college, the more baggage you have to get rid of in order to have a healthy relationship with your spouse. If you never deal with your past mistakes, you will always be hindered in truly expressing love to your partner. This means pain and lots of it. But it must take place. Healing is so sweet when it comes through obedience to the Holy Spirit and complete honesty with one another. He truly can make all things new. When it comes to sin, nothing stings like sexual promiscuity. The pain is so intense, it will cause even the toughest man to weep. Only God's touch can bring complete healing. There is no easy way to remedy a sexual rift in your relationship - especially due to infidelity.
I get so tired of the media's portrayal of sexual intimacy. Most of it is not "making love" but simple animalistic screwing - no matter what they call it. Music is even worse. Meeting a woman in a bar and taking her somewhere in the country where you pop the tailgate and have sex is not "making love." Any one can do that. Real men know how to love a woman. (about now, most men reading this are thinking - "yea, that's me." lol)
God has been so far ahead of us in this arena that it's not even funny. In the very first book of the Bible, God tells his people to circumcize their male infants. You're probably thinking, "What in the world does circumcision have to do with this discussion?" Actually, a great deal. There certainly were health reasons for circumcision such as decreasing the risk of infection. There were certainly spiritual symbolisms for circumcision such as the cutting away of the flesh (sin) from God's children. But even more so was the mental and practical sexual reason for circumcision.
Circumcision (imagine that with a flint knife) left a life-long scar and permanently marked a man sexually as belonging to God. God knew sexual temptation would be man's greatest struggle and that purity in heart and faithfulness to marital fidelity would be our greatest hindrance to walking with Him. Therefore, He commanded that all of His men be permanently marked as a visual reminder to him that his sex life belonged to God. This mark was also a reminder to loose women to leave this man alone. God knew the consequences of sexual sin would marr a man throughout his life if he did not learn to manage his passions. He could have easily left a mark on an arm, ear, or back to accomplish the same reminder/warning. But He chose to make this scar directly upon our sexual organ. Why? You cannot easily ignore it. God meant business. Today, pediatricians tell us circumcision is strictly a cosmetic decision. However, God's truth is still applicable.
You see, the arch enemy of God also knows how vulnerable men are in this very private arena. Therefore, he has greatly skewed our understanding of the sex act. Hollywood has taught us that real men are studs.
Example: Have you ever told your wife, "It pleases me to please you."? What we are really saying is this, "I need you to make me feel sexually good about myself." In other words, the act of sex becomes something we get a lot of gratification from by "turning on" our wife. In this case, it's still not about loving her (no matter what we say). It is about enjoying the fact you feel like a stud. (Don't read more into this than I mean -of course, sex should be mutually enjoyable). I'm simply saying that our previous concepts of what it means to be a "good lover" may not be accurate.
Secondly, if sexual habits are formed in high school and college that are inconsistent with God's directives, our perception of "making love" is totally wrong. The kind of women the porn industry and the media circus pawn off to us are almost laughable. In other words, most women do not have as much testosterone as they are depicted as having. Consequently, if our expectations of marital sex stem from this perspective, it is bound to be disappointing. And it is certainly unfair to the young women who realize this impossible expectancy to fulfill. More often than not, the sex act to many women becomes more of an act to pacify her husband rather than a genuine expression of love. Why? A woman needs a man who takes his spiritual position seriously. She desires your covering, protection, embrace, and most of all...most of all...most of all...DID YOU GET IT? Most of all...she needs your friendship and listening ear (not hearing, but listening). When you are best friends and she is thoroughly convinced she is the apple of your eye-she is ready for romance. Then..........she is ready to show you how much she loves you (double wink).
Don't skip the romance part. But romance with a motive (keeping up with your sexual brownie points) is not what I am talking about. Are we really that dominated by our sexual desires? Sadly men, many of us are. Most women don't really like constant references to sex during the day. Why do we men think that somehow makes her look forward to our coming home from work? No, they seem to appreciate unannounced spontenaity birthed through days of thoughtful consideration.
When you dated your wife, did you ever plan a date with her? Did you ever bring her flowers on days other than Valentines or anniversary days? Did you ever leave her notes or send her cards without sexual innuendos? Did you sit and talk for hours? Have you stopped? Why? Can you think of one good reason why you stopped showing your love for her on a continual basis? I can - selfishness -taking for granted the woman you vowed to love with the totality of your being. Busyness, distractions, and fatigue are all culprits when it comes to focused communication time with your wife. Yet, almost humorously, they mysteriously disappear when it comes to sexual appetite (for the man, that is). I will never again allow these things to rob my sensitivity toward the woman I love.
Nothing in this mail surprises the women reading it (except the fact that I am actually talking about it). They have had this figured out for a long time. It's just that most of us men have been duped by the counterfeit model of "making love" and have deviated from God's unique design. Therefore, instead of mastering our passion, it has mastered us. Most of us are merely tolerated in the marriage bed although our wife would never tell us so.
I am guilty of some of the sexual infractions mentioned above, but not all. One thing this cancer has done is teach me how to love my wife. I enjoy her presence. I enjoy sharing life together. I respect her. I serve her. When we are alone, I don't have to touch her sexually. I have learned to simply hold her without expectation. I'm glad I am getting a second chance. This time, I admit God knows more about sexuality than I ever did or ever will. He has circumcised my heart and left a deep, painful scar. It reminds me - I belong to Him and I will always serve my wife till "death do us part." My definition of "making love" has now shifted. Instead of "making love," Love is now making me.....and i feel like a real man.
(see my comment below)
Other than the blog reporting the good news of tumor shrinkage, by far, the blog receiving the most response was the one titled "Transparency". Therefore, I have come to realize (as several men have pulled me over to the side to discuss how that blog has helped them in their sexual intimacy with their wife) this is a major issue facing most couples. It is amazing to me how teens today think they are the only ones with all the knowledge and know-how when it comes to sex. Their ignorance is also quite comical since much of the information they receive about this issue is passed on by adults via the media---duh! Why they think we cannot enjoy this gift of God to adults is beyond me.
This blog is really for men only who want to become real men. There are many things that teach us how to feel like a real man, but most of them are shallow and unrealistic. They are lies. Yet, it is amazing how many men never learn they have been seduced by the wrong teacher. Consequently, most of their sexual life is spent in utter frustration. Maybe the problem is not with our wife. Having said that, every women presently reading this will certainly continue reading. :)
It is hard to believe my precious bride has lost five dress sizes in the last four months. She looks completely different that she ever has and yet I love her more every day. The Lord has taught me much concerning intimacy in marriage. And while I still would not classify myself as an expert, I am a much better lover than ever before. Why? Because now I can see beyond the things that make it so difficult for men to love their wives. The intimacy to which I am referring has nothing to do with sex.
I have discovered this issue to be extremely important to both men and women. Due to my counseling background, I have heard more than one woman declare concerning her relationship to her husband, "I don't care if we ever have sex again!" I wonder how many women secretly roll their eyes at the thought? I wonder how many marriage partners are mutually ecstatically happy with their sex life? If the truth were known, I'll bet there aren't many. Have you ever asked why? Surely God created this expression to be the most mutually satisfying experience of our relationship - two becoming one. Pretty awesome huh? Not for most.
I have come to believe we get derailed very early, usually in our teen years. The more sexually active you are during the teen years and throughout college, the more baggage you have to get rid of in order to have a healthy relationship with your spouse. If you never deal with your past mistakes, you will always be hindered in truly expressing love to your partner. This means pain and lots of it. But it must take place. Healing is so sweet when it comes through obedience to the Holy Spirit and complete honesty with one another. He truly can make all things new. When it comes to sin, nothing stings like sexual promiscuity. The pain is so intense, it will cause even the toughest man to weep. Only God's touch can bring complete healing. There is no easy way to remedy a sexual rift in your relationship - especially due to infidelity.
I get so tired of the media's portrayal of sexual intimacy. Most of it is not "making love" but simple animalistic screwing - no matter what they call it. Music is even worse. Meeting a woman in a bar and taking her somewhere in the country where you pop the tailgate and have sex is not "making love." Any one can do that. Real men know how to love a woman. (about now, most men reading this are thinking - "yea, that's me." lol)
God has been so far ahead of us in this arena that it's not even funny. In the very first book of the Bible, God tells his people to circumcize their male infants. You're probably thinking, "What in the world does circumcision have to do with this discussion?" Actually, a great deal. There certainly were health reasons for circumcision such as decreasing the risk of infection. There were certainly spiritual symbolisms for circumcision such as the cutting away of the flesh (sin) from God's children. But even more so was the mental and practical sexual reason for circumcision.
Circumcision (imagine that with a flint knife) left a life-long scar and permanently marked a man sexually as belonging to God. God knew sexual temptation would be man's greatest struggle and that purity in heart and faithfulness to marital fidelity would be our greatest hindrance to walking with Him. Therefore, He commanded that all of His men be permanently marked as a visual reminder to him that his sex life belonged to God. This mark was also a reminder to loose women to leave this man alone. God knew the consequences of sexual sin would marr a man throughout his life if he did not learn to manage his passions. He could have easily left a mark on an arm, ear, or back to accomplish the same reminder/warning. But He chose to make this scar directly upon our sexual organ. Why? You cannot easily ignore it. God meant business. Today, pediatricians tell us circumcision is strictly a cosmetic decision. However, God's truth is still applicable.
You see, the arch enemy of God also knows how vulnerable men are in this very private arena. Therefore, he has greatly skewed our understanding of the sex act. Hollywood has taught us that real men are studs.
Example: Have you ever told your wife, "It pleases me to please you."? What we are really saying is this, "I need you to make me feel sexually good about myself." In other words, the act of sex becomes something we get a lot of gratification from by "turning on" our wife. In this case, it's still not about loving her (no matter what we say). It is about enjoying the fact you feel like a stud. (Don't read more into this than I mean -of course, sex should be mutually enjoyable). I'm simply saying that our previous concepts of what it means to be a "good lover" may not be accurate.
Secondly, if sexual habits are formed in high school and college that are inconsistent with God's directives, our perception of "making love" is totally wrong. The kind of women the porn industry and the media circus pawn off to us are almost laughable. In other words, most women do not have as much testosterone as they are depicted as having. Consequently, if our expectations of marital sex stem from this perspective, it is bound to be disappointing. And it is certainly unfair to the young women who realize this impossible expectancy to fulfill. More often than not, the sex act to many women becomes more of an act to pacify her husband rather than a genuine expression of love. Why? A woman needs a man who takes his spiritual position seriously. She desires your covering, protection, embrace, and most of all...most of all...most of all...DID YOU GET IT? Most of all...she needs your friendship and listening ear (not hearing, but listening). When you are best friends and she is thoroughly convinced she is the apple of your eye-she is ready for romance. Then..........she is ready to show you how much she loves you (double wink).
Don't skip the romance part. But romance with a motive (keeping up with your sexual brownie points) is not what I am talking about. Are we really that dominated by our sexual desires? Sadly men, many of us are. Most women don't really like constant references to sex during the day. Why do we men think that somehow makes her look forward to our coming home from work? No, they seem to appreciate unannounced spontenaity birthed through days of thoughtful consideration.
When you dated your wife, did you ever plan a date with her? Did you ever bring her flowers on days other than Valentines or anniversary days? Did you ever leave her notes or send her cards without sexual innuendos? Did you sit and talk for hours? Have you stopped? Why? Can you think of one good reason why you stopped showing your love for her on a continual basis? I can - selfishness -taking for granted the woman you vowed to love with the totality of your being. Busyness, distractions, and fatigue are all culprits when it comes to focused communication time with your wife. Yet, almost humorously, they mysteriously disappear when it comes to sexual appetite (for the man, that is). I will never again allow these things to rob my sensitivity toward the woman I love.
Nothing in this mail surprises the women reading it (except the fact that I am actually talking about it). They have had this figured out for a long time. It's just that most of us men have been duped by the counterfeit model of "making love" and have deviated from God's unique design. Therefore, instead of mastering our passion, it has mastered us. Most of us are merely tolerated in the marriage bed although our wife would never tell us so.
I am guilty of some of the sexual infractions mentioned above, but not all. One thing this cancer has done is teach me how to love my wife. I enjoy her presence. I enjoy sharing life together. I respect her. I serve her. When we are alone, I don't have to touch her sexually. I have learned to simply hold her without expectation. I'm glad I am getting a second chance. This time, I admit God knows more about sexuality than I ever did or ever will. He has circumcised my heart and left a deep, painful scar. It reminds me - I belong to Him and I will always serve my wife till "death do us part." My definition of "making love" has now shifted. Instead of "making love," Love is now making me.....and i feel like a real man.
(see my comment below)
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